To the dismay of the Republican leadership but the delight of his core supporters, Donald J. Trump today announced that he had, in fact, sexually assaulted each of the women who has come forward in the last several days. “And not just them, folks,” the Republican nominee for president said, “lots more – a huge number more. We’re talking hundreds – maybe thousands. There’s no way I can keep track.”
Campaign aides contacted by this reporter confirmed that Trump had grown increasingly resistant to party handlers urging him to deny the allegations. “What’s your problem?” Mr. Trump reportedly asked Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway. “Any woman would want my attention. Am I right?” (Ms. Conway declined to comment for this story).
Trump made his claim at a campaign rally in swing state Pennsylvania earlier today. Speaking to an obviously energized crowd of mostly white males in a working-class section of Pittsburgh, he said, “Now that the shackles are off, I can assure you – you’re looking at a man who knows how to operate. I’ve got all the best moves – believe me, all the best moves. That’s what this country needs to become great again – someone who knows how to get the job done.” Trump made little effort to stop his supporters from chanting, “Knock her up!”
Seeking to build momentum behind the Republican candidate’s new strategy, the Trump campaign released a copy of a new letter from Trump attorney Marc E. Kasowitz to New York Times Executive Editor Dean Baquet. After apologizing for erroneously sending a previous letter threatening to sue the paper for libel for reporting two allegations of sexual assault by Trump, Kasowitz threatened to sue the paper for libel for exhibiting “reckless disregard for the truth” by reporting that only two women had been groped by his client.
Accusing The Times of “conducting an entirely inadequate investigation,” Kasowitz demanded that the paper retract the story and print the names, photos and email addresses of hundreds of women he alleged had been “fully and effectively” groped by his client.
In related financial news, supermarket checkout tabloid The National Enquirer reported lower than expected third quarter earnings. During a call with financial analysts, Ben Beaverbrook, CFO of the paper known for reporting stories too weird and scandalous to be true, “Ever since the Republican convention began, we just haven’t been able to compete with the mainstream press.”
Updated: The Trump campaign has just released a new television ad campaign, featuring vintage video of the candidate demonstrating the high regard he has for women. In one typical ad, the candidate is seen ogling Miss Universe contestants, many naked, in their dressing room. Each ad in what the Trump campaign refers to as the “Octopus” series ends with the tag line, “Believe me – it’s not just locker room talk.”