With thanks to those kind enough to comment on my first take at a book blurb, here’s Take Two. As before, comments are very welcome.
First, a quick note on my thinking behind this draft.
Since I didn’t spend time trying to get my first book into brick and mortar bookstores, and don’t plan to with this one either, what clearly matters the most is what presents at Amazon, and, to a lesser extent, at Google, Barnes & Noble and iTunes. Using Amazon as an example, you get two bites at the apple: a short blurb that displays on the book landing page, and then additional text if the visitor wants to click on the “read more” button.
In looking at a lot of books on line, the tendency seems to be to include only a couple of sentences on the landing page. Some authors don’t even bother to go beyond this at all. Others do, with some giving plot synopses, and others expanding on other elements instead.
In this draft, I’ve gone with the latter approach, putting mostly a thematic hook on the landing page, and then trying to come up with additional tempting details to supplement it, with the entirety still being pretty short, and also (per multiple suggestions) dropping the language and the concepts of the original last paragraph entirely.
With that by way of explanation, here’s Take Two. Do you think it does the job?
* * *
America is rushing headlong into another election year, but something is wrong – the polls don’t match reality. It’s up to cybersecurity super sleuth Frank Adversego to find out who is trying to hack the presidential election, and to stop them before they do.
The action begins when Adversego is enlisted by a government agency without a name to find out who is manipulating poll results. The mystery deepens when he discovers that multiple teams of hackers are scrambling for the ultimate prize, and will do anything to win. It’s a race against the clock as the presidential election – and Adversego’s life – hang in the balance.
In this latest Frank Adversego satirical thriller, you’ll meet a scheming Native American casino manager, a scrum of presidential candidates too incredible to be believed anywhere outside of a real American election, a former Secretary of Defense unwilling to leave anything to chance, and an attractive French hitchhiker that Adversego rescues in the middle of a desert, and soon wishes he hadn’t.
* * *
Andrew Updegrove, an attorney, has been representing technology companies for more than thirty years and works with many of the organizations seeking to thwart cyber-attacks before they occur. A graduate of Yale University and the Cornell University Law School, he lives in Marblehead, Massachusetts.
I like it. The first paragraph is on the landing page, right? I think it works.
rjb
Great – and yes, just the first paragraph would go on the landing page. They’d have to click “read more” to read the rest, and all of the text would go on the back of the paperback version.
Thanks very much for taking the time to help me out with this.
Rewrote the passive sentence in the second para:
A nameless government agency enlists Adversego to find out who is manipulating poll results. Adversego discovers that multiple teams of hackers are scrambling for the ultimate prize, and will do anything to win. The presidential election – and Adversego’s life – hang in the balance.
What’s your leadline for the novel? i.e. “Paranoid cybersecurity detective must thwart hackers who are hacking the presidential election,” or something like that? I like the premise. Try to drop the cliches, like “it’s a race against the clock” and “hang in the balance” — cliches tend to make it sound trite. Sure, they’re time savers, but they’re also cliches! Shoot ’em. Go ahead, we’ll wait.
Also, how to say “to find out who is manipulating poll results” in a more active manner? Maybe… “to track down”… no, “discover”… no, that sounds too easy.
Hmmm, maybe start with this premise:
Hackers
decideset out to elect the next US President, and Cybersecurity expert Adversegois hired tomust stop them.The book’s premise is great, it’s something we’re all a little leery about. What is someone hacks our elections and we end up with someone China prefers? This appears to be just hacking the polls, but ultimately it’s the same thing. Manipulation of voters via polls, as if that’s not already happening…
Matt, thanks for the excellent feedback, which I’ll work into the next draft. Very useful.
Actually, although it’s not China, but persons initially unknown do try to hack the voting as well as the polls.
The tag line? The Lafayette Campaign, a Tale of Deception and Elections (the first book was The Alexandria Project, a Tale of Treachery and Technology)
I like the strategy and the blurb. Esp like that the French hitchhiker got prominent notice, beginning & end being most I believe. No idea why I keep honing in on that part, but appeals to me 🙂
Glad it looks to you like it works – blurbs aren’t my main strength. And thanks for sharing your opinion with me. By the way – Frank also meets another French woman, named Simone Falconet. And he doesn’t regret meeting her.
Actually, Frank was as well.
Andy, I like this one. It hooks and also has solid keywords.
Excellent – Thanks, Doug. I appreciate the input.
I think mentioning multiple teams of hackers gives too much away. You could pose it as a question — Is this the work of a lone hacker or a desperate scramble by multiple teams?
Can’t wait to read it.
Thanks, Susana – that’s a good thought, and a good suggestion as well. Thanks also for your interest in reading my book.
I like this much better. It’s pacey and gives enough hooks to capture a reader’s interest. I remember so much more from reading this version than the previous one. Just one suggestion – how about “nameless government agency” rather than “government agency without a name”? Shortens the sentence and makes it punchier …
Thanks for the suggestion, Julia, and I’m glad you agree that progress is being made. I’ll post another version soon (I’ve been letting it sit for a few days at a time to have a fresher eye) and incorporate that.