Many thanks to those that have continued to help me tighten up the blurb for The Lafayette Campaign – it’s now much better than my original draft, and also much better than I would have been able to make it on my own.
See what you think. I’ve tried to include all comments to the extent that they weren’t mutually exclusive and/or overlapping. The single exception is that I couldn’t figure out a way to kill one of the clichés and keep things appropriately short and punchy. Given that a book blurb for a thriller is something of an extended cliché in its own right, I hope that’s forgivable (and I’ll also keep working on it).
You’ll also see that I’ve tried adding a “reality” line at the end which I think works (except that I need to come up with a better word than “fun”), but you may think would still best be left out.
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America is rushing headlong into another election year, but something is wrong – the polls don’t match reality. It’s up to cybersecurity super sleuth Frank Adversego to find out who is trying to hack the presidential election, and to stop them before they do.
The action begins when a nameless government agency recruits Adversego to find out who’s manipulating poll results, but soon he learns that the voting results are at risk as well. From then on, it’s a race against time to see who will stop who as the presidential election – and Adversego’s life – hang in the balance.
In this latest Frank Adversego satirical thriller, you’ll meet a scheming Native American casino manager, a scrum of presidential candidates too incredible to be believed anywhere outside of a real American election, a former Secretary of Defense who will stop at nothing, and an attractive French hitchhiker that Adversego rescues in the middle of a desert, and soon wishes he hadn’t. It’s all great fun – except for the fact that it could really happen.
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Andrew Updegrove, an attorney, has been representing technology companies for more than thirty years and works with many of the organizations seeking to thwart cyber-attacks before they occur. A graduate of Yale University and the Cornell University Law School, he lives in Marblehead, Massachusetts.
Hi Andrew,
I like this version . I would eliminate the word satirical ( next to the word thriller) in the 3rd paragraph and delete the last line of the paragraph . ….” It’s all great fun -…. etc ” I would let the line about Frank ” soon wishes he hadn’t ” stand on its on . ( it will … I promise)
Then I would finish it with that last 2 lines you ended with from the 1st blurb . … the one recapping “The Lafayette Campaign” etc…. to the place where you write ..” give anyone pause: “… after the word “pause ” …I would eliminate the rest of the sentence and change it to —- pause: and wonder, could this really happen ? …
As a reader , I was a little confused about the line : ” It’s all great fun ” … I thought is it a comedy or a page turner like the first one? … That’s my vote –page turner ..!! What say you ?
PS … I am buying the book and have turned others onto the adventures of Frank . Thanks for a great read !!…
Mary
Hi Mary,
Thanks for the thorough critique. I think the satirical aspect is a big part of the book, and want to be sure to get that across, although it’s a bit tricky to do, because in fact it’s supposed to be both a page turner (e.g., the central plot in the first book) was also satirical (e.g, the portrayal of the venture capitalists in the first book). This time around, it will be the politicians that take the brunt of the satirical part.
Just using the word “satirical” seemed the most efficient way to go about it, and it’s more in the way of a categorical rather than a promotional (“spellbinding!”) adjective, and the “great fun” phrase does too far. I agree that the “wishes he didn’t” hints that it’s more than just a straight thriller. So I’ll keep mulling this aspect over.
With all that said, I like your revisions a lot – that may just do it. I’m also glad you enjoyed the first book – and delighted that you’re recommending it to others. Thanks very much for that.
Hi Andrew ,
I sensed your need to drive home the satirical aspect and that was why I suggested bringing back your recap from the first blurb with a slight tweak … It closes the loop… thanks for thinking about my suggestions …
keeping my fingers crossed and thumbs up for the launch !!!
Mary
I think writing synopsis/blurb etc is more difficult that the novel (almost) and I hate doing it 🙂 I feel your pain, but it’s paying off and I think you’re nearly there. In my (not expert blurby-opinion), I would get rid of “before they do” at the end of the first paragraph and miss off the “It’s all great fun …” sentence. But what do I know?
NB The stopping the hackers part does need to be mentioned – perhaps link to the discover/ find out part – turn the sentence round a bit?
Thanks for that as well. I got the page proofs back for the book itself yesterday, so I’m rather preoccupied at the moment reading the whole book again (9th time?) I’m determined to have as close to a typo and other obvious error result as possible this time. Of course, how close “as close to” turns out to be remains to be seen.
Thanks, Julia. I think you’re definitely on target for the second comment. On the first one, I’ll take a look-see and see if I can come up with something else.
Wishing you razor eyes 🙂
Thanks very much. Unfortunately, the Gremlins always win.